I've learnt many lessons in my life.
A relevant statement considering the title of this blog.
I've learnt lessons from other people's mistakes.
I've learnt lessons from negative outcomes.
From positive outcomes.
From seeing the results and being pleased by them or being brutally disappointed by them.
I've learnt that getting a fucken perm will not result in "loose, soft waves" but in an actual fucken perm. Think of a perm. That's what a perm is. NOTHING ELSE.
Don't ever let that apprentice hairdresser tell you any different.
A lesson that I am on the cusp of learning, what happens when you invest money, time, blood, sweat, and tears into something, and then consider that you maybe don't even want it...
If we can stop being all elusive about this for one moment and have some real talk.
Approximately 2 years ago, I applied to a degree in midwifery after completing a foundation course to gain the relevant academic credentials.
I think the last blog I posted was the raw emotion and absolute devastation of not being accepted into said degree.
So I had to find a plan B.
I HAD to.
I didn't think, ok well I can move on, I can get a job, I can see where I end up, maybe I can come back to midwifery and try again.
I decided I needed to do something with this little Certificate in Health Science (level 4).
So I went on the hunt. I trawled through the academic options of what I could study next. What I could become. Who I could be. How I could finish this sentence:
Hi, I'm Kealey, I'm a....
There were only so many options. I knew I didn't want to be a nurse. I didn't want to be a phlebotomist. I didn't want to be a paramedic. I didn't want to be an occupational therapist, whatever the fuck that it. I didn't want to do massage therapy. I wanted to be a midwife.
But they didn't want me...
So back to the top of the list I go
I went through the course lists over and over again. Hoping I'd missed something, that maybe upon re-reading, something else would jump out at me.
People made all the suggestions to me.
Be this be that you'd be AMAZING at this.
I appreciated the input, but aside from midwifery, I couldn't see anything else I really wanted to do.
Wait. Hang on.
Did you see it.
You saw it didn't you.
Go back.
That line there...
I didn't want to be a paramedic.
So how is it I've ended up $22,000 in debt and 6 months into a paramedic degree?
Well you saw what I said. I had to BE someone. Apparently just being wasn't enough.
So I decided paramedics could work.
Would have to work.
Because I have to be someone.
I've heard myself say some strange things out loud over these last few years.
"I have to do this, I have to do something, what else am I going to do?"
"I was a makeup artist before this, but being a makeup artist doesn't save the world"
I even wrote in my paramedic application in the section where it asked why I want to do the degree:
"I want to become a valuable member of society and be of use to my community"
Now ain't that some self deprecating bullshit right there.
Can you imagine someone coming up to you and telling you that your job isn't saving the world? That you need to work on becoming a valuable member of society because your current situation isn't making you of use to your community?
That's no way to talk to someone.
Unless you are going about making people sad and ruining everyone's good time, then generally speaking, you are doing just fine as you are, being you.
At this exact moment in time, I don't know who I am, how I am "being", what I am doing, where I am going. I am in between a rock and a hard place. I am in purgatory. I feel little passion for what I am doing, but I feel much fear and uncertainty about moving on. Holding on to desperate hope that it could get better. But the reality being it is only going to get harder...
This isn't a dramatic bid farewell to my education.
I'm not quitting.
Yet.
Ultimately I'm having a fucken bad day and it's making me question a lot of my current situation, so I thought I'd write it down.
My thoughts could be different tomorrow.
I just wanted to put it out there, that sometimes we quit. Or at least we are very seriously considering it.
This isn't going to be about how you should keep on truckin', or when the going gets tough, the tough get going.
There are no inspirational quotes, no heart felt speeches.
I think I've ended a lot of my blogs like that, negative blooming into positive, seeing the brightside, taking the lesson and learning from it.
This isn't asking for help, or inspiration, or a motivation youtube video.
This is the truth.
This is my pending decision.
This is my current unlearned lesson.
