Had 2 jobs at a time, just to survive. Missed out on adventures, just to survive.
I have done nothing for me and everything to keep afloat and make sure my daughter doesn't miss out.
I have never, ever held resentment or anger about these things. I have accepted that you do what you have to do and you get on with it.
But with the support and love of the best husband money can buy, I am now doing something for me.
And I am wet my pants excited.
I am beginning study to ultimately become a midwife. I have to first do a bridging course and that will take a year, after that it's 3 years of midwifery study.
I'm so terrified, but SO excited.
I know that this is what I'm supposed to do. I watch programs and I read books about it and I know, with every fibre of my being, this is what I'm supposed to do.
Due to medical issues, I have never been able to give birth to my babies naturally.
In fact I have the most unnatural births around.
I am put under full anesthesia and deliver them via c section.
I have never been there for the birth of my babies.
And it's a really fucken difficult thing to deal with.
I try and not think about it too much, because I know if I do it will eat me up inside.
There is no other way I can give birth to my babies and that is just something I have to accept.
I think this is the root of my desire to want to become a midwife. I can't be there for the birth of my babies, so the next best thing is being able to help other women give birth to their babies.
I can't think of anything more rewarding than assisting in the arrival of new life.
In saying that, it is only recently that I have become aware of the difficult side of my chosen profession.
I have come to learn and accept that although this is possibly one of the most rewarding professions, it can also be one of the most difficult. I learnt this first hand, but that is an experience that deserves a blog of its own.
That experience was a huge learning curve and I know for the next 4 years there will be many more.
But I'm so ready for it.
I'm so happy that I finally get to do something for me.
I know that it's going to be difficult. Of course I do.
People keep saying "you know, it's not going to be easy"
That makes me want to slap them.
Of course I know that. You think I don't know how difficult it's going to be to study, work, be a mother to two children, be a wife, keep my house slightly less than chaotic, get sleep, eat well, not go insane.
You think I don't know how difficult this is going to be?
I know this. And I am ready for it.
So a "good for you" or a "I believe in you", would be a far more welcome response.
I have those who doubt me. Probably with good reason. I haven't been the most over achieving person in the world.
That's fine.
I doubt myself sometimes.
But this time. This is more than a job, more than high school, more than wanting to lose weight or learn to sew or completing a marathon.
This is a life decision. This is what I am meant to do.
There are people who doubt me, there are people who give me negative feedback and literally laugh when I tell them.
They are not my definers.
They won't hold me down.
They will fuel my fire.
They won't hold me down.
They will fuel my fire.
I will show those little people.
Life lesson #whatever,
Find out what you are meant to do. Do it.
Life lesson #whatever,
Find out what you are meant to do. Do it.
What are you meant to do?
