So this is christmas...

Christmas is built on religion, consumerism and expectations....

All three aspects stir up feelings of great discontent.

The purpose of christmas is the celebration of the "birth of christ". I am not religious. I am far from religious. I am anti religion in an aggressive way. My parents are not religious. I believe 1/4 of my grandparents are religious. Bar my Granddad, I know of no one in my family who has ever been a church goer. So how does it become that a primarily agnostic family partakes in the core celebration of a religion?

Consumerism! Weeeeee!

The media tells us to!
The day after Halloween (another bullshit "celebration"...) shops start sneakily slipping in display shelves and progressively, tinsel starts taking over store fronts and by mid November entire malls are positively dripping in twinkling lights and shiny baubles and the glimmer of irrelevant fake snowflakes in the lead up to a southern hemisphere summer. Gigantic Christmas trees are surrounded by piles upon piles of fake gifts, wrapped in sparkly paper and fancy bows. Subliminal messages to the hundreds of children who will pass through.

Children are drilled with the idea of christmas being about presents. People say, "if you don't like the idea, make christmas about what you want it to be, family, and food and having a good time." But how, HOW am I supposed to instil this in my daughter when everything is about presents. As soon as an adult comes into contact with my 6 year old they ask "what's santa bringing you for christmas?". The public school she goes to spends the weeks leading up to christmas reading stories about santa, making christmas stockings and baskets "for christmas treats", she tells me. Writing letters to santa asking for a myriad of toys that will be played with for 2 weeks before being discarded at the back of the closet.

And then. Then. I have this overwhelming desire to buy her things, fill the base of the christmas tree with everything she asks for and more. Not because I love her, not because I want her to have nice things, not because she has behaved well and earned said gifts. But because I don't want her to be disappointed.

I fear my 6 year old will be disappointed by the gifts she receives from the elusive character that is Santa. 

What have I become?! What monster have I created?!

I have slowly but surely been influenced by the pressure of society to provide unreasonable amounts of material objects to please my 6 year old. 

This is what christmas is. 

And trust me when I tell you, I have tried, I have tried so SO hard to teach my daughter, to explain to her that gifts aren't important. How full your santa sack is, isn't important. That family matters, spending time with her cousins, having her Nana and Grandad come stay, these things are important. 

She claims to understand. But within the same breath she tells me that she thought of something else to ask santa for. 

I feel defeated.
I feel powerless. 

Trying to fight against something that is so aggressively forced upon you, that there is no way to avoid it. 

Every year I will try my damndest to explain to her what christmas is about, who it is intended for, and why Mummy would rather ceremoniously set fire to a christmas tree than cover the floor it sits on with environmentally unfriendly rubbish.

But I foresee fighting a losing battle.
A battle I will continue with my son. Whom, this year, is too young to give a damn about presents and santa sacks. 

I don't like christmas. 

I don't want to celebrate christmas. 

Yet because I have children apparently I am being "cruel" or "a grinch", to roll my eyes at santa visits and sneer at the idea of christmas place setting at the dinner table. 

Last year my daughter had a pile of presents under our tree. They were all for her. 

She sat there and opened present after present.
Tearing through the wrapping, her eyes not even seeing the gift inside, just discarding each toy and book in a pile next to her and moving on to the next colourfully wrapped package.
The last gift hit the mountain of loot next to her and she looks up and asks

"Are there anymore?"

This is not my doing. I have not encouraged this.
This level of expectation is not what I have taught my daughter. 

I have always downplayed the present aspect. 

Santa can't always bring everything you ask for.

It's not important that you get lots of presents.
We should be grateful for what we get, not how much we get. 

But it all falls upon deaf ears, because consumerism, media, hype, advertising, all speak louder than mum ever will. 

Defeated. I have been defeated.

I don't believe in the birth of christ, I don't believe in the christmas spirit. 

I believe my children are been taught a level of expectation that is completely unnecessary. 

A "tradition" that will do little beyond creating a materialistic society.

Call me a grinch, call me a killjoy, I am beyond giving a fuck. 

Who Gon Stop Me

I had my daughter when I was 19 and since then I have done most things purely for survival purposes. Worked 40 hour weeks with my baby girl in daycare for 50 hours a week, just to survive.
Had 2 jobs at a time, just to survive. Missed out on adventures, just to survive.
I have done nothing for me and everything to keep afloat and make sure my daughter doesn't miss out.
I have never, ever held resentment or anger about these things. I have accepted that you do what you have to do and you get on with it.
But with the support and love of the best husband money can buy, I am now doing something for me.
And I am wet my pants excited.
I am beginning study to ultimately become a midwife. I have to first do a bridging course and that will take a year, after that it's 3 years of midwifery study.
I'm so terrified, but SO excited.
I know that this is what I'm supposed to do. I watch programs and I read books about it and I know, with every fibre of my being, this is what I'm supposed to do.

Due to medical issues, I have never been able to give birth to my babies naturally.
In fact I have the most unnatural births around.
I am put under full anesthesia and deliver them via c section.
I have never been there for the birth of my babies.
And it's a really fucken difficult thing to deal with.
I try and not think about it too much, because I know if I do it will eat me up inside.
There is no other way I can give birth to my babies and that is just something I have to accept.
I think this is the root of my desire to want to become a midwife. I can't be there for the birth of my babies, so the next best thing is being able to help other women give birth to their babies.

I can't think of anything more rewarding than assisting in the arrival of new life.

In saying that, it is only recently that I have become aware of the difficult side of my chosen profession.
I have come to learn and accept that although this is possibly one of the most rewarding professions, it can also be one of the most difficult. I learnt this first hand, but that is an experience that deserves a blog of its own.

That experience was a huge learning curve and I know for the next 4 years there will be many more.
But I'm so ready for it.
I'm so happy that I finally get to do something for me.
I know that it's going to be difficult. Of course I do.
People keep saying "you know, it's not going to be easy"
That makes me want to slap them.
Of course I know that. You think I don't know how difficult it's going to be to study, work, be a mother to two children, be a wife, keep my house slightly less than chaotic, get sleep, eat well, not go insane.
You think I don't know how difficult this is going to be?
I know this. And I am ready for it.
So a "good for you" or a "I believe in you", would be a far more welcome response.

I have those who doubt me. Probably with good reason. I haven't been the most over achieving person in the world.
That's fine.
I doubt myself sometimes.
But this time. This is more than a job, more than high school, more than wanting to lose weight or learn to sew or completing a marathon.
This is a life decision. This is what I am meant to do.

There are people who doubt me, there are people who give me negative feedback and literally laugh when I tell them. 

They are not my definers.
They won't hold me down.
They will fuel my fire. 

I will show those little people.


Life lesson #whatever,
Find out what you are meant to do. Do it. 

What are you meant to do?