You're Not Good Enough.

Today I "re-opened" my makeup artistry business.

It is up there with the worst things that could've happened to me this year.
Because this is not meant to be happening.
This is not what I planned.
This is the action that confirms the worst.

I didn't get into midwifery.

For the first time in my life, I had set a goal. I set a goal. I worked my ass off.
And I failed.

That is the black and white of it. I failed to get into midwifery.

And for those saying I just need to "keep trying" and "apply again next year", it is absolutely not that easy.
See I failed so badly to get into midwifery, there's a very real chance that even on applying next year, I mightn't get in.
I didn't even make the wait list. I was pretty far off from making the wait list in fact.
Applications were marked out of 60.
Successful applicants averaged at 48.5/60
Waitlist candidates averaged at 38/60

I got 26/60

I failed hard.

And academically, there is very little I can do to make my application more... applicable?

So this is me wallowing.
And some may say my time for wallowing is up.
To those people I say...

Fuck you.

I have never been more devastated by anything than I have by this.

So I will do my makeup work out of necessity.
And I will fucken wallow.
I'll clean my house, I'll do the laundry, I'll make dinner.
And then I will come home and sit in my bed and not have a fucken clue what to do next.

Every time my facebook pings at me to let me know another person has liked my page or liked a picture of my makeup, I feel ill.

Don't get me wrong. I love makeup artistry. It will always be a passion of mine and I always put my all into my work.

But this isn't how it was supposed to go.

I have nothing left to say.
I am numb.

I am numb and lost and so completely unhappy.


I think this is why I previously never aimed to achieve anything too extreme.
Because the disappointment is too much.
And I'm not that strong.

So I end with the wise words of Homer Simpson, in life lesson #666

"Kids, you tried your hardest and failed miserably, the lesson is, never try"